BRAVE STAR
singing like a slow scent beneath the sunArchive for March, 2007
038.
hello my loves:
i suppose i disappeared in the past two weeks– i’ve been oh so busy. just thought i’d take a moment to reflect on what’s been going on in my world.
for starters, i’ve been making moves towards what i really want to be doing. i got my CURF internship and i finally finished my application for my Mellon-Mays Fellowship. i banged out the beginnings of a long fiction piece. i’ve submitted some other pieces to a writing contest for 34th Street Magazine. and i organized and pulled off an amazing charity spelling bee (with the help of kwh staffers, of course.) i’m finishing up this semester on top of things, as opposed to being buried under them. the sun shines and the days are warmer and i have nothing to complain about.
this week, i had a taste of motivation. i kinda forgot what it was like to really get things done. i think i’ve spent the last moments well. i’m in a nice place. four more weeks til summer vaykay. i can’t believe that a year ago, i was counting down to brasil. apart of me wishes that i was counting down now, til my year there. but the other part of me is glad that i’ve postponed my return. i think there is stuff that i need to do here. i don’t feel as much that i need to escape from here. here is fine. actually it’s kinda wonderful. i want to exhaust the possibilities here before i move on. so yeah, now all i need to do is get my health back in order. i need to make some appointments and eat healthier and i need to move and stretch. spring’s a good time for that.
yeah, this entry is another ramble… i don’t know why my thoughts are always swirling.
also, i am addicted to the isley brothers right now. don’t know why.
um, yeah. i think i might take a break from the internet for a while, too. i miss scribbling. maybe i’ll start a paper journal. it’s been ages since i’ve done that.
don’t really know when i’ll be back. but i guess this is the last post before my official hiatus.
be well, amigos.
luv,
aichlee
037.
damn, i miss real talk. i mean, real talk about things other than myself…i miss finding treasures and sharing them. i miss talking about sweet stories, or dope music, or even a fly pair of shoes. i miss daydreaming about new things. i feel like for a while i’ve had an eye closed to the universe. i forgot about the largeness of the world. but tonite i’ve been reading a bunch of blogs, and magazines, and watching shows, and movies, and catching up with everyone else’s lives. and it does feel nice. i’m discovering so many new and beautiful things– artists, songs, writers, ideas. and i’ve missed it. i knew there was something missing but i couldn’t place it. couldn’t put my finger on it. but here it is. i missed the richness of the outside world. i think i had allowed my self to be swallowed by school, by grief, by anxiety. not so much that i was feeling badly but that i was fighting so hard to feel “not bad” instead of trying to feel good. i wasn’t actively pursuing joy, i was just avoiding pain. but tonite, i feel great. i feel full and alive. and ready to look for more beauty. i am ready to go out and see places and people. have some good conversation. laugh and explore. hmm, maybe this is what springtime does to me. i had a taste of warmth at the beginning of the week and it was magical. but it snowed today and i have not felt more trapped. i need the good weather. the sun. the warm air. this is why i need to move away from philly. i’m starting to feel stagnant. i need warm weather everyday. i think i would get so much more done. i can’t wait until my days are full again. i guess i’ve been wasting a lot of time lately, being a combination of lazy and exhausted. but no more. i am back!
luv & delight!
a
036.
well, spring break is pretty much over. i will be spending all day tommorrow doing everything i was supposed to be doing in the past seven days….whomp whomp.
in other news: i had a premonition that my life is about to change. like that it’s about to be flipped upside down. i don’t know if that’s good or bad, but i’m bracing myself either way. i’m not sure why i’m having such a feeling, but i figured i’d make note of it here. it’s a really strange feeling. i’ve just been remembering lately, that things that i thought of as givens, as certainties, may not be so. that everything in this life is really fragile. that there are external forces that act on our lives. i hate feeling out of control, so if something does cause the drastic change that i’m sensing, there will be a struggle.
alas, i hate fearing the uncertainty of the future so for now i will continue to relish in the present.
luv,
aichlee
