BRAVE STAR
singing like a slow scent beneath the sunArchive for April, 2007
042.
i’ve always heard that death comes in threes, but this year is starting to feel more like thirties or three hundreds. i don’t think i’ve ever felt so damn morbid in my life. in my english seminar, we were reading these books about death, and one of my classmates talked about how he’s never been to a funeral. and i’m thinking, wtf? this man is about to graduate from college and no one he’s ever known well has died. crazy. meanwhile, the murder count in philadelphia rises, and i know more and more victims. i do not like this. yesterday, my granny told me that her neighbor’s boyfriend was murdered. if he was on the steps when i visited her house, we would chat. he was jamaican and he would ask me about college and tell me that he had books for me to read about rastafarianism. he never gave me those books. his name was ricky. and i think what is bothering me the most is that i have been thinking a lot about him, but i can’t remember what his voice sounds like or the precision of his face. i don’t like that people can so easily slip from one world to the next.
i did not intend to write all of that, but there it is.
sending love.
041.
yeah.so everytime i come home to my parents house, i find myself awake and alone and on myspace…
tonight after babysitting, i went to catch orrin and his band at reuben’s marc. had a good time. chatted with some folks. daydreamed about a poem. heard some soul feeding music. i think i might go back next wednesday. i miss comraderie.
i started reading again. i’m reading a bunch of books simultaneously: tent of miracles by jorge amado, soulstorm by clarice lispector, baby love by rebecca walker, and the salt eaters by toni cade bambara. i have so much damn time on my hands, i can read four books at a time. kind of ridiculous.
i do have a few papers to write for classes, but i’m pretty much done. ever since i spent last weekend at wesleyan, i have been in full chill mode. i’m just ready to get some sun and feed my spirit. i love summer.
oh i also had my mellon-mays interview, and despite an embarassing, tearful breakdown in the middle (because of some family ish) i got moved on to the next level of interviews. i really don’t know how i managed it. but i’m excited. i’ve been thinking a lot though, that if i do this, i really am securing a life path and that’s kinda intense and scary for me. that i am making a real decision. like if i do this, i will more than likely end up in california at usc in a couple of years. that is very weird to me. but yeah, i know or at least i think it will be the best for me. i am going to take this step and will deal with everything else as it comes.
i’ve rediscovered over the past few days how much i do enjoy portuguese. i’m really bummed that i can’t take a formal class next semester. i need to work something out. independent study perhaps.
god, i talk about school way too much. it’s like nothing else is going on in my life. but that’s not true. i’m keeping busy. actually life is full and i like it that way.
M and i are growing to complement each other more and more. its been fun to learn him and to see our relationship blossom.
i had a wonderful vaykay in connecticut. made me reconnect with my hippie spirit. i feel like i’ve been in a different mental/emotional state since coming back. i definitely needed it.
…so, i decided that i would like to start waking up early. to enjoy the whole days. and all the sunshine that i normally sleep though. i’ve been feeling lately that even though i ”do” stuff. i still waste a lot of time. i think my priorities are shifting.
i want to write more. more than i think i ever have before. i want to know people. i want to talk to them and hear stories. see how they live. how they think. this is new for me. i am not much of a people person. i’ve been pretty shy and quiet, but for some reason i am ready now to let my guard down. and more than that, i am so freakin curious. like i just wonder what people do. what people go through. i used to just imagine it. i used to just pretend that i already knew. but now. now i really want to talk. i guess, though, still only to people who have real talk to say back to me. dishonesty and insincerity are the biggest turn-offs for me. and i think, when i decided to turn myself off to knowing new people, it was for those reasons. but for some reason now i feel like i am whole. like i can put myself there with anyone. i think it may be because i have been lucky to finally talk to people who are honest with me. who are themselves around me. i mean my friends are always like that but other people. i dunno, i just have learned that i do like getting to know people.
yeah, glad i can finally say that i’m not a sociopath.
oh well…i’m yapping on. i think this has been enough for one night.
so, goodnight lovelies.
040.
hmm. i am loving life again. not for anything particular that happened yesterday that didn’t happen the day before. i just thought of it. i’m reading again. thinking again. talking real talk again. this is the way i like it. on thursday, i had a conference with my fiction teacher and it went wonderfully. not like i needed her to tell me to pursue writing, but it was nice to have my dream encouraged. i have an interview on tuesday for the mellon-mays fellowship. i’m really excited, mostly because i know this will be a good step for me. i’m california dreaming. hoping i can go to school out there and get this phd ish underway. and of course i’m still daydreaming of crossing seas again. i’m reading tent of miracles by jorge amado. i’m not too far in it but even in the first pages i can feel the music of pelourinho inside my bones. i am aching to travel. soon and very soon. hopefully. but in the mean time i really need to experience where i am, too. warm weather makes me this way. i want to go exploring again. i think that is what this summer will be. exploration. i need to start DOING things again. i miss that. i was talking to jj the other night and i realized that despite some less-than-fun things going on in my life, i’d rather have those things and other things, than nothing. i’d rather have life in it’s fullest with the good and bad, than nothing. i remembered that i am responsible for my time so i need to stop wasting it. yeah. i’m kinda hungry though, so the rest of this thought is gonna have to wait. my stomach is eating itself.
tchau biddies.
039.
ok i lied. looks like i came back to myspace with the quickness! there’s something addictive about putting all the bizness out there on the internet, that i just can’t find elsewhere…
today is my little brother kyle’s birthday. he’s ten– the same age i was when he was born. it’s very weird to know that i’ve been a conscious witness to his life since the day he was born. i remember being in 4th grade, sitting in ms. maebori’s classroom at 2:10pm daydreaming about my new brother, and when i got home, i learned that at that moment, he was born. yes, i was a psychic freak even as a child! he’s such a sweet kid and i hope he’s always happy. i felt so bad for him today because he had to get a tooth pulled and was pretty much miserable all day. i told him that he was brave because even i’m a wimp, who hasn’t had teeth pulled…who in fact is avoiding going to the dentist so that i don’t have to have my wisdom teeth pulled…so yeah his birthday kinda blew. i also found out that he started going to therapy again. and no one is telling me why, but i think the family tension is starting to get to him. its so hard for me to watch my siblings go thru the bad days, especially since college was like a get out of jail free card for me. it makes me sad that they have to suffer while i can kinda pretend nothing is happening…
in other news, i spent this afternoon with marcus ushering a show at the arden theatre. we made friends with a bunch of middle-aged ladies. it was a good time. we saw, Caroline, or Change. i liked the music a lot, but wasn’t crazy about the actual show…it had poor pacing. but it was still fun to get out and do things with him…instead of watching various cable tv series on the internet…yes, i’m addicted to The Wire…
so tommorrow’s Easter. i’m looking forward to some chocolate goodies… and some home-cooked dinner that not my own awful pasta…haha, i finally went grocery shopping and was so eager to make food that wasn’t campbell’s soup, just cuz i could….but oh, what a disappointment.
yeah, i think the only reason i’m blogging is because i’m at my parents house. there’s no one to talk to and i can either do this or finish reading Don Hall’s book about his wife dying of leukemia. it is the most heart-breaking piece of work i have read since Push or To The Wedding. The saddest parts for me aren’t even the gruesome, technical parts. i get sad at the happy parts, just because i know the ending. but death is the ending to everything wonderful. god, that sounds morbid….but yeah, it’s a good book, in the sense that a book that depressing can be good. it’s also a lesson on love. it’s so interesting to see the story of a love that is particular to two people.
oh, also found out that my neighbor has cancer. he has been my neighbor since i was born, i think he even lived here when my dad was younger. he’s a funny guy. he used to play chess with me on the front steps. and he’d always say hi and tell me to not talk to dumb boys. haha. i used to run into him randomly at dunkin donuts a lot, too…i don’t really know what he did…repairs and such, i think…or other mysterious old man things…but yeah he’s in my warmest thoughts. as a kid i was really good friends with his grandkids. in fact i was just thinking about them on the trainride home. i saw this guy with the name Mari airbrushed on his boots and he reminded me of his grandson. i don’t know what happened to him….the only reason that guy caught my eye was because Mari, is the name of a character in one of my stories… the boots were wild though, they had lavender-colored clouds on them. i wonder what happened to his Mari.
whew this was a bit long. don’t know if this is a comeback. can’t believe my hiatus was only a week. i am still gonna try the paper scribbling thing, but myspace is like crack. i don’t know if i can really stay away.
luv
