BRAVE STAR
singing like a slow scent beneath the sunArchive for May, 2007
052.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A flower is in one sense a brilliant
advertisement. With its alluring aroma, appealing color, and voluptuous
shape, it captures the attention of insects and birds, inviting them in for a
visit. It’s not false advertising: The pollinators get to imbibe sweet food at
the heart of the flower. But the flower also has a hidden agenda. Its male
reproductive material, the pollen, gets stuck to the pollinators’ bodies,
and they carry it away to the female organs of new flowers, thereby
facilitating the plant version of impregnation. Now imagine that you are a
flower, and re-read everything I just said, interpreting it as a metaphor for
the approach you might want to pursue in the coming days.
:: from Free Will Astrology by Rob Brezsny
>>I’ve been thinking about flowers a lot lately. I think it is time for me to blossom.
>>In other news, I am feeling great, feeling good. I watched Daughters of the Dust for the first time the other day and something stirred inside of me, reminded me that I have a story/poem that needs writing. Something about indigo stained skin, yes. I have it in me, somewhere.
>>Oh, also saw Paris is Burning. It was surprisingly touching. Also, Pepper LaBeija is thee best name ever.
>>Also, saw Alo Brasil on Saturday. I danced so hard and it was wonderful. I remembered that there is someone that I want to get to know. Someone that I dig, for real.
>>I feel like I’ve just found a reservoir of energy. There’s much to be done.
>>Beijos!
051.
well. i don’t even know where to start. there is plenty to talk about. plenty that i do not want to talk about. not here anyway. but most of it not at all. so i won’t.
in the midst of this whirlwind/mess my life has been in. i’ve (re-)discovered some new joys including: the sci-fi channel, arundhati roy, sewing and delicious food. as much as i’m ready to get out of this city, this place in my life etc. there are still things i can enjoy.
i’m feeling so frustrated lately because i feel like i’m actually in a battle for my happiness. like i know that i can be happy, i just have to find that switch that operates my perspective. but this time i feel like i’m fumbling in the dark. i feel like i’m getting closer to it. to changing things for the better, but i hate feeling like a fucking emotional wreck until then. ugh. i guess that’s basically the gist of what’s going on with me. if there were some kind of physical manifestation of what my life if like right now, it would be a tsunami.
i was at my parent’s house this week and while i was gone my dahlia plant died. green thumb not so green anymore…however, Erzulie and my new snake plant, Patra, are looking good though. i guess i’m just not ready for fancy flowering plants yet…
i start my internship tommorrow. i’m supposed to be brainstorming right now, about my projects…might do that before bed. might do it in the morning. depending on what time i get up…
okay, i obviously have nothing else to talk about right now…so, g’nite y’all.
050.
yesterday, just when i thought i was having a bad day, i found out that amelia, a girl who was in my biology class in high school, passed away. that’s a shame. that school needs to reevaluate what its doing. the kids are unhappy. and more than that, they aren’t being taught how to solve their life problems in ways that aren’t destructive. there’s so much self-destruction. and i’m not apart from it. i don’t eat well and i’ve done a lot of things that can put my health in jeopardy. haven’t been to a doctor in a minute. given i’m a little skeptical about medicine. i still could afford to be more in tune with my body. so many kids are not being taught how to be in tune with their minds, their bodies or their spirits and it’s sad. they are not taught to value themselves. there is no guidance for how to find inner peace. i went to a quaker school, so they were all about finding that peace between the people, peace in the world, but peace within oneself, not so much.
yesterday was a mini-reunion of sorts. jj came home from nyc and we helped chauncy paint the new apartment, which happens to be right up the block from me. this summer shall be too fly…anyway, after painting we had dinner and drinks at dahlak, which was ridiculously reminiscent of nossos jantares no brasil. once ing came over, it was as if we had all been transported back. it was lovely.
i decided at dinner that it was a new day. completely. i felt so happy last night. in spite of everything that was weighing me down. i realized that there is some stuff that i can let go of. so, despite a little grogginess, i’m still feeling light and airy.
until meeting up with the homies, i had spent a majority of the day sulking. actually more than that. i found myself in tears twice. once driving and again alone in my apartment. i didn’t like this. didn’t like that someone could make me feel like this. didn’t like that i had manufactured something that wasn’t. so, in light of that, i have resolved to retire from the game. i’m not into it. i don’t want to be into it. there is too much other ish for me to enjoy. i’ll always be loving me.
umm, so yeah. i suppose i’ve experienced a turnaround, again.
tommorrow is mother’s day. i need to go book shopping for my mommo. not quite sure what i’ll be looking for though…anyway, i don’t think there is anymore that i have to say at the moment.
have a lovely day, folks.
049.
of course, just when i thought things were leveling out, everything has been riled up once again. i can’t do this. i just want it to be summer and for me to be relaxed and happy. but it’s so effing hard. i just want everything to slow down. i need to get out of here. i really wish i was going abroad now. on sunday, it will have been a year since i landed in brasil. i can’t believe it. i can’t believe how much i’ve grown since then. ugh, but i need something completely new and i don’t know where to find it. i’m so frustrated right now that so many things are out of my control. i wish it weren’t all happening at one time. i am so tired.
048.
oh. my. god. after plently of recommendations, i have finally started watching heroes. tonight i started at the beginning and have already watched two episodes. i would be continuing onto the third, but i think my piece-of-ish computer is about to experience a fatal error. anyway, this show is lovely. it’s helping my keep my mind off the fact that i am angry and disappointed…something that i don’t even feel like getting into right now…anyway, thank you television for absorbing my brain!
:)
047.
aw snap, i’ve been tagged by onika. so if i understand correctly i have to name ten random factoids about myself and then tag ten more folks.
so, here goes:
01. my nickname is lulu. i actually don’t go by it anymore. my pop-pop, who was pretty much my only friend for the first eight years of my life, used to call me that. i’m not exactly sure of the origin, but i know i used to like watching a lil lulu video where she ditches school and goes fishing. but i dunno if the name was a consequence or cause of me owning that tape.
02. haha, for some reason there used to be an abundance of erotica at my grandparents house. i found it and read it all when i was about ten. it was relatively old, too. like at least from the early eighties.
03. for the past two years i have had an aloe plant named erzulie, after the vodun loa of love. i am so surprised that she survived since i am horrible with plants.
04. the spelling of my name was inspired by some girl my mom knew in highschool. her name was saint-dorkas and her sister’s name was aichlee. i have never met them…my name has been misspelled many different ways, but i think the best was “achilles” by kara in third grade. we were studying greek mythology.
05. i decided to be a writer when i was fourteen years old. i can’t believe it was that long ago. it feels like yesterday though i’ve been a reader for a long time. my favorite childhood book was the velveteen rabbit illustrated by william nicholson. i used to want to get a tattoo of the rabbit. but then i thought about it…that would be kind of weird, no?
06. the first poem i ever read in front of people started “manic depression sparks urgent creativity while i am scribbling in between the lines of reality…” it spiraled off into alice and wonderland and then ended with with me seeing myself outside myself falling into the abyss. deep, huh? lol.
07. i never went to kindergarten. i went from get-set/head-start, whatever you want to call it, straight into first grade. in headstart, i had a best friend, ramona, and on the lazy days when i didn’t feel like being my usual nerd self, i would wish that i could be downstairs taking naps with my kindergarten friends.
08. there used to be a house on my street that was vacant but not abandoned and when i was eleven, i would sit up there with my girlfriends and daydream that we would buy that house one day and all live there together with our kids and that we would all be godmothers for each other’s children. we chose names and i would make up little dossiers about what our kids would be like. i used to read baby name books. i think that was the beginning of my preoccupation with creating characters.
09. i have experienced a lot of head trauma. when i was about six, i had to get stitches in the back of my head, after my play-cousins knocked me over by accident. they were racing in the driveway of our bible study camp, and i fell and cut my scalp on the gravel. then i also had a concussion after falling off a bike that had no brakes.
10. i have also broken my front teeth twice. once while riding my bike, and another time while running around outside, chasing a boy who was teasing me.
well, there were some random memories in there…but i guess it was fun.
046.
yesterday finally did end up being productive. with all the effort put into my new dahlia plant, i made a new flower blossom. i feel so proud of myself and my new green thumb! but yeah, i wrote for like 3 hours yesterday. twas very much needed. i came up with a lot of ideas for new pieces. i just need to keep working through them. i also watched raising victor vargas again and redeveloped my mini-crush on victor rasuk. i also started reading music for chameleons by capote. it is pretty good. i’ve been wanting to read him ever since i saw that movie about him with philip seymour something or other…that was a good flick. apparently he was friends with jimmy baldwin, i wonder if there are letters between them. that must have been an interesting friendship. anyway, just felt like writing a little snippet.
peace y’all.
045.
damn son. it’s only 1pm and my whole day has been cancelled/postponed. looks like i’ll have even more me time today than i thought. i don’t really know what to do with myself. i dunno why i thought taking a two week vacation from my internship was neccessary. i suppose i should be using this time to write. to finish that damn short story that i was pulling my hair out over before. i need to get my act together. here i am with all this time to read and write, and what do i do. complain. sheesh. i guess i could go to the library to return several of the 95 books that i borrowed this semester. and maybe bring back 95 more. going to the library is like going shopping for me, or at least the closest thing to it :)
well, not much to say here…
spent yesterday at dinner for nadia’s graduation. had macademia crusted mahi-mahi and i felt fancy. and then the itus set in and i came back to my apartment, talked to jj for a few, then went to sleep.
i guess i really put my body through it this weekend. i need to chill on that. can’t give up all the details, but let’s just say i played harder than normal. i did have fun though. recovery was just a little slow…
um…yeah, so it’s kinda weird to not be stressin :) i need to go find other things to take up my brain space. i’m so not into any of the books i’m currently reading. if i were i would just go on down to clark park and soak up the sun. ok this is getting absurd. i’m gonna go entertain myself.
tchau-tchau
(i wish i was in brasil.)
044.
whew, that was a long stint of unhappiness. but for some reason, i am back in action in spite of it all. i can’t say that anything has changed but my perspective, but i guess that’s what counts. anyway, i have re-gained my faith in other human beings, which is always a nice feeling. it’s a beautiful day outside, and for the next two weeks, i don’t have any obligations but to myself. this summer is going to be spectacular.
043.
so i definitely am supposed to be writing a paper thats due at noon….
but i can’t focus. i just spent the last hour, catching up on the lives of people i don’t talk to anymore. i hate the internet.
i wish it weren’t so easy to get caught up in a web of insecurity. i hate feeling insecure about relationships. sometimes i just want to trust my gut and save myself. and sometimes i just want to have the patience to wait and see. i don’t wanna say anything prematurely.
i always say that i’ve never been in love but i have definitely had my heart broken. i don’t want to feel like that this time…if i’m right. i usually am, that’s why i don’t want to let myself do this. i can’t take it right now.
ugh. i’m frustrated. i know there’s a lot of circumstantial shit going on with me, but i see this happening and it is so familiar. the pain is so familiar.
i don’t know what to do. it should be as easy as speaking up, but instead i’m shutting down.
i feel like i need to practice primal screaming or something. i was read the black notebooks, which i don’t recommend so far…but i’m reading it, and toi derricote talks about doing primal screaming in her basement.
that is how full i feel. reading a bad book, envisioning this writer lady on all-fours with her face in a pillow, screaming, and i think that is comforting.
bad bad bad week.
you know how much i hate to complain but this is hard. shit keeps coming at me.
i am tired. i am not myself. i am a hot fucking mess.
i can’t wait til this is over.
i’m glad it’s been warm out though. makes me want to wake up early and see people.
i wish i could say something else nice but i’m done.
