so i spent last weekend in rio. it was definitely the taste of metropolis that i’ve been yearning for. visually it was astonishing…but hmmm, i don’t really have the energy for a real post right now so i’ll leave you with a brief list…

good things lately:

*standing inside of a cloud on corcovado

*being imitated by cariocas, dancing to an olodum cover band in rio

*suco de goiaba and ches calabresa, fatty and delicious

*cuddling

*not dreading my afro-brazilian dance class, for once

*sunshine

*laughter

*lots of samba

hmm counting down, 321. somehow i feel like i’ve reached a turning point. turning towards what? i don’t know, just feeling my redirection. like my center of gravity just got moved and i’m facing new horizons. makes me think of a beautiful set of statues that i pass by everyday on the bus to class. three women all made of bronze and thick with curves, standing proud in their bodies, there on their edge of the world, right by the sea. each faces a different direction. one looks to africa, one looks to europe, the other looks toward the interior of brasil. they are so grand (and literally statuesque, too.) i was feeling a little homesick today, with my eyes on philly or some other bit of american landscape, but now thinking of the bronze ladies, i feel a little better. like tommorrow, i can walk a bit taller, with an eye to enjoy what’s right here in front of me. sometimes it gets difficult to walk openly and gaze and wonder, at least for me, cuz there’s always some disrespectful cat hissing at me from around the corner, or in the bushes (it seems) or passing by on the bus. makes me just wanna stay closed sometimes and not look at anyone. not let my eyes wander. but i’m getting so tired of being so still. so dormant. anyway, i’m thinking of the bronze ladies, feeling this change in myself. feeling almost explosive. on my way to feeling fierce. feeling my confidence bubbling somewhere inside.

mercury retrograde really reared its ugly head last night. the day started off fine, aside from the slight recurring headache i’ve been having recently, i was feeling good, ready to enjoy a night on the town with my boo. so we headed down to pelo with a friend of his. they had a couple drinks, i had a bunch of sparkling water and a delicious pineapple juice, and everything was normal. we danced and laughed and everything was dandy. then all of a sudden a whirlwind of negativity strolled into the vicinity, and brought all the chaos imaginable. at one moment i was there trying to negotiate peace with a guy who always gives my friends a hard time, and soon after having calmed him down, suddenly and to my own shock and surprise found myself in huge argument with boopiece who had copped an attitude with me for unrelated reasons. it was definitely the biggest fight we’ve ever been in, and the only one in front of pretty much everyone i know here. it was complete with crying, and yelling, and hand-waving. i even pounded on his chest. that shit was unbelievable. i’m still trying to make sense of how hysterical i was, despite being sober. i felt completely caught off guard by the combination of sadness, anger, disappointment, frustration, embarrassment and the physical sensation of heartache, that i just got overcome. luckily it was only a huge mess for like ten minutes, then we both kinda got it together and talked it out. i vented, he apologized and explained himself, and we spent the rest of the night cuddled up together, thankful to have resolved our first lovers’ quarrel. what a night.

after working on a couple more thesis poems today, i wrote 3 pages of weird, boring, terrible, pointless fiction, and somehow i feel a lot better. i think this new genre/form mixing method is working. i think it has to do with my attention failure. as long as i’m multitasking on a varied assortment of writing/reading projects, my thoughts are a lot more fluid. this horns and hearts playlist that i made is also helping me tune in my concentration. i’m loving life. last night, i also did some reconnecting with my body. i did a sun salutation followed by some smiling meditation. it was great. definitely working that into my daily routine.

tchauzinho

i wanted to write here right now, but i have so many things going on in my head that i can’t concentrate. bummer. the internet is slowly sucking away the minimal attention span that i have left. so i’ll leave you with this, a list of things on my mind:

-reading the wind up bird chronicle by haruki murakami, the longest (but still quite enjoyable) book that i think i’ve ever read. definitely becoming a new favorite.

-reading na margem do rio pedra, eu sentei e chorei by paulo coehlo, seems to be a love story, surprisingly easy to read in portuguese.

-a discussion in my portuguese class about the value of popular literature, after i brought up the fact that i was reading paulo coehlo, and the place of popular literature in the academy

-a new interest in literacy, not only in reading for pleasure or for learning, but also for everyday purposes (read an interesting article on illiteracy in brazil, 42% of Bahians over 50 are illiterate.)

-to be to not to be a teacher? i’m thinking of applying to tfa. i want to motivate people (of all ages but especially kids) to read and write, but i don’t know if being a teacher will be right for me. i also want to do my own writing and have this huge fear that i won’t be able to do that if i become a teacher. the only problem is that i also need a job.

-i’m still california dreaming, still very attached to the idea of mills college for grad school, if only to study with juliana spahr, but also attached to other life developments on the east coast. i hope i don’t resent my choice to stay.

-another pertinent question: where am i gonna live? i thought seriously about living with my dad, to save money, and then my sister gave me a reality check about what living at home is like and i remembered how much i yearned to move away before i went to college. i think my idea to move home was motivated by a mixture of homesickness, nostalgia, and general brokeness, but that too shall pass.

-on the issue of brokeness, i am also considering writing a bestseller. i have yet to figure out how to do this. i’m currently wondering if it will ever be possible to publish a book that appeals to the town and the gown, so to speak. i’m trying to make it into the new literary canon.

-perhaps this is why i’m so unproductive.

-in other news…currently watching presidential debates part one. thinking about november 4th just gave me goosebumps in a good way. i already filled out my absentee ballot, now i just gotta mail it. i’m such a dork i even took a picture of myself with it.

-looking forward to watching tonight’s debate, though i will probably read about it first. internet streaming is difficult.

-managed to catch up on heroes and antm. heroes seemed to be pushing the plot a bit, but i still enjoy it. as for miss tyra, i must admit that now that isis has been voted off i will no longer be following the show.

-i realized the other day that i haven’t really been alert to the world, or in tuned to wonder. i used to be really good at noticing beautiful things but recently the only things that i’ve noticed is how shut off i’m feeling. perhaps i’m a bit too much in my head. i think that only means i should be writing even more than i am, which seems almost impossible. i feel like this is all i do, read and write.

-watched oprah today for the first time in a long long time, years probably. and i happened to catch her talking to elizabeth gilbert who wrote eat, pray, love. i’ve heard about this book. even seen it in the hands of few of my friends, but probably would not have chosen to read it had she not said something that i thought was very poignant. she was saying that her meditation teacher (in bali, i think) told her to smile while meditating, smile with her whole body. i was thinking yesterday night that i needed to meditate, and instead fell asleep, so i will try this.

-return to the idea of the bestseller, i was doing research on what people read, or at least what they buy the most, and of course gilbert’s book was like #3 bestseller of the year, thank you oprah? there are lots of self-helpy kind of books in that list. and a vampire series by jennifer meyer (?) who i’d never even heard of til a friend mentioned that she’d spent all day reading the last of the series, which someone had sent to brazil for her enjoyment.

-note friends, that i would love to read toni morrison’s new book, if you ever want to send me a package =)

-but returning to the subject (this isn’t really a list anymore, huh?) self-help and inspirational novels. i believe now, that i understand. coehlo’s books are very inspirational, spirit-warming, some would say fluffy.  this is why people are eating them up. are the people hungry for some kind of soul nourishment? i personally enjoy his books because they are like everyday fairytales. nothing wrong with that. but apparently a lot of people disagree, especially in brazil.

-as for poetry, i think i burnt myself out a bit on those 6 poems last weekend. i need to build up my poetic stamina. thinking about writing to music again. been listening to a lot of coltrane and also oscar peterson.

-unfortunately i have lost all ability to focus and have been distracted by an email from my pal joey who among other news sent me a link to the catering company that he’s managing. now all i can think about is how delicious a spring roll would be. right. now.

and that’s all she wrote.