freddie hubbard 1938-2008

after all the formidable welcome-back-tell-me-briefly-about-the-last-six-months-of-your-life conversations and the hectic holidaze, i’ve finally had a bit of time to myself to unwind and think, and though i’ve barely begun to process my time abroad, i feel like i’ve been stressing more about the future than relishing what it’s like to finally be home. truth is, i still don’t feel very at home. i’m living out of my suitcases, alternating between a bunk bed at my dad’s and my mom’s sofa. i don’t even have my own shoes. i’ve been running around so much, i haven’t been able to go get my winter clothes and boots from my apartment, which i’ve decided to sublet again. i feel very out of place. the only thing that makes me feel home is that i can drive without thinking. that i still remember the curves and bumps of the roads. of course, i’m happy to hang out with my fam and my homies, to talk shit and crack jokes in person instead of on skype with six other people at the internet café half-listening…but to not see boopiece, the one person i’ve seen everyday for six months, is driving me crazy. what’s worse is to not know when i’m going to see him. we talk every day, but sometimes just hearing his voice and laughing about a memory is what makes me cry. and i guess i’m stressed because i’m going to have to make a lot of hard decisions in the coming months that will determine what the future will look like. when and where and whether or not to do grad school, or whether to even stay in the country or not. if my heart weren’t involved, i don’t think this would be as hard. i’m just conflicted. i honestly don’t know how to approach the situation. all i really want to do is be a poet-teacher and be geographically closer to meu amor. but these friggin immigration laws and student loans are making my dreams seem impossible. despite these outer feelings of hopelessness, i know i just need to have a damn good plan and a lot of patience. for now, i’m going back to the drawing board.

my heart hurts. i haven’t felt this lonely in a very long time.

i’m thinking about reviving the youtube poetry per diem. ever since elizabeth alexander was chosen as inaugural poet (woohoo!) i’ve been getting hits up the wazoo. i realized that i kinda miss that project. it was fun. can’t wait to pick out some new poems and revisit some beloved ones. any suggestions?

oh friends, i am so very cold.

here’s a lil taste of sunshine to stay warm:

i came home this morning and the first thing my father said to me is that i looked like a piece of chicken. he chuckled. i am glad to be home.

i spent this last week tying loose ends, taking last photos, and trying to fit all the little pieces of lovely that i’ve acquired over the last six months in my suitcase. lots of sunshine and dancing. some tears. overall, i’m satisfied. sure, there are things that i wasn’t able to do, but i know i’ll be back.

spoke to boopiece today on the phone. saudades is a word that i can’t even explain in english. we’ll be seeing each other in a few days though, if all the stars are lined up right.

i wouldn’t wish to be in an any other situation. i love this life that i’m living.

on saturday night, i saw my yellow-bellied bird again. she sang to me.

oh also, i finally finished the wind up bird chronicle. lord jesus that book was long. but it was worth it.  i’m gonna throw it out there and say i liked it even better than the wondrous oscar wao…thoughts?

next i would still like to read the latest bolaño, however i’ve made a sort of promise to myself not to buy anymore books until i’ve read what’s already collecting dust on my bookshelves. i really don’t know what i was thinking when i packed six books in my suitcase. i’ve only gotten through two of them. silly me.

oh well, now that classes are over, i can devote these final days to reading on the beach. yum.

beijos!

been meaning to post for a while but my internet has been crappy…

looks like thanksgiving already came and went with the quickness but i’m still grateful for a lot: people, experiences, opportunities etc. i’m also praying about a couple things (some life changes, a job) and trying to stay balanced. i dunno if some planet shifted recently into retrograde but i’ve been having a rough couple days, starting with my camera breaking. porra! i’m trying to stay positive though. thankful to have folks around me to keep me happy. i can’t believe i only have three more weeks here. i am not ready for the cold. no, not at all. i am ready to come home though. to my house. to my city. with people i love, friends, family, even my neighbors. as much as i feel at home in certain situations here, ain’t nothin like the real thing.

anyway, today i got a letter from myself that i wrote a year ago on future-me. it started with a general rundown of all the crappy stuff that happened in 2007 but ended like this:

you are still happy despite all the twists and turns, and the ups and downs. i hope you continue to be happy…when you get this letter, you should be in brazil. i hope you are still writing. there is much to be said. i am so proud of you and i’m very curious to see what you have learned. so live your dreams. read and write and be gorgeous. laugh and love. love with your whole heart. life is beautiful, so enjoy it.

i guess you have learned a lot in this past year. more about life and relationships. but most importantly you realized how much your vision of life can change and how much power you have to make things change. you shape your circumstances. remember that. you make your life. i hope you are making your dreams come true. make space for new dreams, too. accomplish everything you desire. i know you can do it.

—

that was just the pick-me-up i needed today.

love!